Not in my hands.

Today's tragedy in Connecticut is a sick and disgusting example of the absolute evil that is in this world. It struck me so profoundly differently than school shootings that have happened in the past. I've been a teacher through other tragedies, and I was affected as a teacher. It's always been a frightening thought to know that a simple email or grade might affect a parent or student enough to act irrationally. The straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. But add the rush of recently acquired and subsequently lost hormones from Scarlett's entrance into this world, and today's events can cause an paradoxical level of gratitude and anxiety.  I am so thankful that I have my baby girl in my arms. When she sleeps, all I want to do is wake her up and kiss her all over. I want to snuggle her and nurse her and lay next to her while she stretches in her own little way. I am beginning to understand a small bit of what people mean when they say that they love their children enough to give up their own lives. But at the same time, I am so worried that I will lose her.  The prospect of her not existing is unimaginable. The only thought that comforts me that is that it is completely out of my control.  Completely.  And while that would usually further my sense of anxiety, I take comfort in the fact that only God can decide when I will take my last breath. Or when any of our stories end.  My sister is currently beside herself with worry that the plane that takes her home in two days will go down. She has finally begun to truly enjoy Sweden, and the thought that it could be taken away is so heavy on her heart. The only words I can offer her is that it is out of her control. And that should be a relief. To know that no matter what, if it is her time, then it is her time. There is nothing anyone can do about it. And if one can believe that it is up to Someone else, then they can take comfort in the fact that they will also be joining their Savior in heaven. You need to have faith in a higher power and an authority that has more control over your life than you do.  What a blessing to have Someone else to rely on for control! We don't have to be in charge of our own trials and tragedies. We don't have to count on ourselves to keep our planes in the air, our children safe in schools, or diseases out of our bodies. We have a Maker and a Father who is in control and we don't have to depend on our own weak bodies and minds.  I take comfort in the fact that my daughter's life, my husband's life, my life, and everything else is out of my control.  It's a new perspective that requires constant affirmation, and I pray that my sister and brother can take comfort in this as well.